JENNIFER LAWRENCE’S PIXIE CUT GIVES TWENTY-SOMETHINGS MORE TO HATE THEMSELVES OVER

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Jennifer Lawrence just got a pixie cut this week so perfect, it’s spiked waves of hatred among twenty-somethings. 

“Every time I think I’m gaining ground in my life, Jennifer Lawrence has to do it more perfectly than I ever could,” says recent graduate Catherine Trimble. 

“First she gets a multi-million dollar franchise, then she gets the Oscar, and now she gets this perfect haircut—and she’s only twenty-three!  I’m her age, have a theatre degree from Northwestern, and the only line I’ve ever had to memorize for a job is ‘do you want fries with that?’”

When asked to comment on this article, Jennifer Lawrence declined.  However, her haircut had a statement it wanted to make. 

The haircut just looked at me and said, “I’m sexy and I know it, so suck on that, bitch!”  And then it dropped the mike, with both it and the actress it rests on walking away.

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