Family Guy and Homeland Swap Deaths


Family Guy brought back deceased Brian Griffin, but only on the condition that Homeland finally kill off Sgt. Nicholas Brody, according to Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane.

“I’m a huge Homeland fan,” Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane says, “and this season was the biggest burn since the band Coldplay was formed.  So I went to Showtime and told them that if they finally got rid of Brody, I’d bring back Brian.

“They’re huge Family Guy fans over there,” he said.

While the public has lauded both moves, others are not as sure.  One skeptic is BrodyShipper89, a teenage girl who specializes in Homeland Fan Fiction and reportedly was a consultant on the show to make sure that Brody and Carrie hooked up. 

“Sure, we’re all happy to have Brian Griffin back,” she said.  “But what does this mean for the rest of us, for whom Homeland has given us hours of erotic fan fiction?” 

Fortunately, BrodyShipper89 is starting a new book-length fanfic about a love affair between Carrie and Saul.  Supposedly, the show runners are interested in making it the crux of season four—even though that last sentence sounds like a Family Guy cutaway joke.


Blue Ivy Hates Hearing Her Mom Sing


In an unexpected turn of events today, Beyonce and Jay Z’s daughter Blue Ivy revealed that she can’t stand listening to her Mom sing.

“Whenever she starts singing, I yell, ‘Mommy, my ears are crying!’  She sings all the goddamn time.  When she sings to our dog—UGH!  If I have to hear ‘All the single Doggies’ again, I will move in with Baby North West.” 

Blue Ivy appears on her Mom’s new album, simply titled Beyonce.  In order to sing with her on the song “Blue,” Blue Ivy had to plug her ears with specially made earwax.  “They’re nearly invisible, and they seal up your ears 100%.  It’s perfect, like for when Rebecca Black comes on the radio.”  

When asked how she developed such a wide vocabulary so fast, Blue Ivy laughed and said, “Listening to great songs at a young age influences the way you speak.  Since I only listen to Frank Sinatra and Ella Fitzgerald, I have it all over the other babies who are gonna grow up to be cavemen because they only listen to hip-hop.”  

Just as she was about to say something else, her Mom’s album started playing.  Blue Ivy cried, but none of us listened because her Mom is so amazing.  

Then she fell asleep.

Miley Cyrus’s Tongue Named “Body Part of the Year” By Time Magazine


Time Magazine declared Miley Cyrus’s Tongue “Body Part of 2013” today, a new honor given to a famous person’s body part that had the most impact this year.

“We at Time felt that Miley’s tongue was prominent in a way nobody else’s body part was,” says Time’s editor.  “You couldn’t avoid it–it was everywhere.  Not since that Pokemon Lickitung has one person been so identified with their tongue.”

Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year,” a coveted honor since its inception in 1927, went to Pope Francis today, and Miley was on the short list.  Could this new award be compensation for the snub?

“Absolutely,” says the editor. “We felt it was more important to award Francis, since he’s brought so much hope to people.  That, and, in 2006, when we named ‘You’ as Person of the Year and had a mylar mirror on the cover where readers could see themselves, technically, that meant Miley was Person of the Year–if she bought the magazine, that is.”

Runners-up for “Body Part of the Year” included Miley’s lips, Miley’s thighs, and Jennifer Lawrence’s pixie cut, who went on a bender today when it found out it hadn’t been chosen for the distinction.  For the story I wrote on it last month, here’s the link:

Paramount Hires Brett Ratner to Direct Sequel Nobody Wants


Paramount has announced its plans to make a fourth Beverly Hills Cop film with Brett Ratner as director, even though nobody wants another sequel to the beloved original.

“The original was a classic,” says Ratner, “so I’m really excited to ruin people’s memories of it by making a totally unnecessary sequel.”

When asked if Eddie Murphy would return to play Detective Axel Foley, Ratner laughed and said, “Of course he will!  Eddie needs to get away from his new habit of being in bad family movies and get back to what he’s great at—making shitty sequels to movies he was originally good in!” 

Paramount appears desperate to re-launch old franchises, a theory buoyed by the announcement this week that there will be more Indiana Jones movies. 

“The only way we can stay relevant in the 21st century is if we destroy things that people originally liked,” says a prominent executive at Paramount.  “If that means hiring Brett Ratner, a spectacularly lazy hack, to mount unnecessary sequels, then we have done our job.” 

Ratner then left our interview early to bang some supermodels with his friend Hugh Hefner, adding to his already douche-tastic aura. 

Nelson Mandela Purposely Died Before Sound of Music Live Aired, Says Widow



Nelson Mandela, an icon for human rights worldwide, died yesterday, his widow explains, so that he didn’t have to live in a world with The Sound of Music Live. 

“Nelson loved Rodgers and Hammerstein,” she says, “and when he found out Carrie Underwood was going to be singing their music, he said to me, ‘That’s it.  I don’t want to live in this world anymore.’  The NBC logo came on last night, he said, ‘Goodbye,’ and died right there.”

According to her, in the last months of his life you couldn’t mention the word “Carrie” to him in any form.  

“The movie ‘Carrie’?  He’d let out a depressed sigh.  John Kerry?  Depressed sigh.  Even if I asked him to carry something, he would start ranting.  It made his last months very sad.”

After announcing his death yesterday, his widow released a statement that he dictated shortly before he passed:

I have cherished the ideal of free musical theatre in which all actors can be cast colorblind (LOVE Audra McDonald) and it can be done live on television.  It is an ideal I am willing to live for.  But, my lord, if they screw it up with American Idol singers, it’s an ideal for which I am willing to die.”

Peter Jackson Reveals He Has No Reason For Making Three Hobbit Films Other Than Money


In preparation for the release of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, director/writer Peter Jackson admitted he has no reason for making three films out of the 300-page children’s book other than money.

“I’m not interested in making quality movies here,” he said.  “I’m only interested in robbing the pockets of moviegoers who have fond memories of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  Kevin Smith said that trilogy was just about walking, so here are three movies that’ll show him I know how to make movies about walking better than anybody!”

Rather than talk to his producers or co-writers, I decided instead to see what his friend Gollum had to say about the arduous process of watching the Hobbit movies.

“We hates it!” he said.  “We hates having to watch these boring movies!  Especially the first movie, where we loses the ring to that little condom with hair!”

“No we don’ts!” Smeagol interjected.  “We loves Peter and all the fame he’s brought us!”

“Peter deserves to be fed to Shelob!” Gollum said.  “Nobody should only make pretty thingsies for the money!  Nobody!”

When I brought up my conversation with Gollum to Peter Jackson, he was rolling on a bed of gold in a large cave.  I tried to ask my questions to him, but he just turned into Smaug and started breathing fire.


Guest Column: Tom Haverford’s Appreciation For Paul Walker


Yo Ignorer!  Tom Haverford of the Pawnee, Indiana Parks Department here.  When Jeremy e-mailed me asking to write an appreciation for my main Tommy burger, Paul Walker, I was with my bud Jean-Ralphio trying our new and improved version of Snake Juice, SSSSSSSSSS (I don’t feel like typing more S’s, but you get the dealio).  Basically, we were both raging drunk, and I was like, “Dude, c’mon!  Paul Walker didn’t die in a car crash!  That was that other actor—the rebel guy James Franco played!”  But this morning, in-between throwing up, pounding down black coffee, and fending off death-stares from April, I realized that one of my worst fears had come true: Paul Walker had gone from the A-list to the Donezo list.  The real Donezo list.

Paul, my dawg, even though I never met you, you were a spirit animal to me.  I’ve tried to emulate your confidence, looks, and your sexy walk ever since I first saw you in Fast & Furious.  Or was it 2 Fast 2 Furious?  When did the first movie even come out, anyway?  Hell, which one was the first movie?  The titles are so similar that they all blur together.  I want to say it was the one with the cars that went fast…ah, forget it.  I love all the movies and watch them over and over.  And you were also great in Eight Below, where you got stuck in the snow with the huskies.  You showed courage, bravery, toughness—actually, now that I think of it, I’m gonna show that movie to Ron. 

Jean-Ralphio and I really wanted you to be involved with E720, our entertainment company we set up a few years back, and we even wrote a letter to your agent.  Unfortunately, it turned out that J-R has a restraining order keeping him from sending fan mail to celebrities in your ZIP code, so the letter bounced back with a form saying “Please do not contact us again.”  (Of course, he “forgot” to tell me this until after our company went bust.)  I’m upset we didn’t get to meet—I think we really would have hit it off, and you could have given me all sorts of advice on how to run the place.  If you and Detlef Schremp had been our celebrity clientele, we could’ve made way more money, lasted a lot longer…hell, I’m getting a little teared up thinking about all the stuff we could’ve done together! 

I don’t know what’s going on with your funeral, but if you open the mike up to the fans, I’d really appreciate the chance to shout out some love for you.  Jean-Ralphio’s already writing a rap song for you, which he asked me to quote here:

P to the A to the Wa-Wa-Walker

I’m his number one celebrity stalker fan.

(J-R’s not very good at rapping).

Anyways, it’s been real, dawg.  You live on in all our hearts.  Hope that in heaven, you’re allowed to drive as fast as you want.  And with that, this appreciation is DONEZO.  

– T.H. 


Paul Walker: 1973-2013