If People Wrote About Pride and Prejudice The Way They Write About Girls

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The following is an actual article from two hundred years ago, written by a male critic about Jane Austen’s novel, Pride and Prejudice.

“I just finished reading this book, Pride and Prejudice, and really?  Girls are obsessing over this stuff?  This goes to show just how low so-called ‘entertainment for women’ has sunk.

“This Jane Austen woman thinks she’s being all ‘feminist’ and ‘edgy’ by being a writer and talking about what girls really think, but she’s made the mistake of writing Elizabeth Bennett, the most unlikable protagonist I’ve ever met.  Elizabeth starts the novel with an attitude of, ‘I’m never going to get married ever.’  All this girl wants in life is to just be sarcastic and witty and make her living off that.  Well, guess what, Elizabeth?  Women should get married and serve their husbands.  And wanting to make your living off being smart and observant?  No woman can do that!

“But that sister of hers, Jane—my god, she’s just as bad!  All she wants to do is fall in love with Charlie Bingley, and when they’re together, it’s all, ‘I love you!’ ‘I love you too!’  Charlie’s such a high-class snob, and a bore, and all Jane does is obsess over him.  If Jane Austen writes a sequel, then let’s hope that she breaks the two of them up, and soon.”

“Lydia Bennett—ugh, don’t get me started.  All she does is flirt with guys.  She’s just such a damn flirt, and she’s so obsessed with being headstrong and British.  Well let me tell you something, Lydia: having a sexy British accent doesn’t mean you’re actually sexy! When you flirt the way you do, you embarrass your whole family, and you don’t even care!  And then when she became the first of them to get married, I was like, ‘You’re going to ruin your life!’  But by then, I’d given up hoping these characters would do things sensibly.

“Let’s not even go near Catherine Bennett.  All the characters in the book refer to her as being ‘silly,’ and that’s what she is.  She’s so inexperienced compared to the rest of the sisters, and looks up to Lydia too much.  Who would want to look up to Lydia?  I know exactly the kind of girl Catherine is: she’s that girl you know who always wants to talk, and you stop paying attention to her halfway through, because she just doesn’t stop.

“I haven’t even gotten to the worst of them all, and it’s not even one of the girls, it’s Mr. Darcy!  How could a girl who’s supposed to be ‘finding herself’ the way Elizabeth is, fall in love with a guy who’s such a bag-o-douche?  He’s repeatedly described as being strong and handsome, and staying in his home all by himself for days on end.  Elizabeth and he do nothing but fight, and yet they’re actually attracted to each other?  What does it say about Elizabeth that she’d love such a creeper?  Let’s hope that Mr. Darcy has a hobby like woodcarving that he can throw himself into when he’s not with Elizabeth anymore, cause we know they’re going to break up.  You can’t fool us with that happy ending!

“It’s disgusting in this day and age that Jane Austen, who’s from a wealthy family, would just waste her time writing about the problems of wealthy white women.  And that’s the thing—they’re all white!  Has she ever even seen a person who’s not white?  This woman’s scope of the world is beyond limited—it’s practically microscopic.  Let’s hope that we move on to talking about writers who write docile, subservient women, and not these damned strumpets Ms. Austen is obsessed with.”

It’s a Wonderful Life Sequel To Feature CGI, Jason Statham, and Robin Williams as a Talking Monkey

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“I want a big one!  A big one!” says George Bailey, preferably indicating the size of the explosions in the sequel to It’s a Wonderful Life.

The writers of the controversial It’s a Wonderful Life sequel gave an interview today where they explained their reasons for turning their sequel to the classic Frank Capra film into a Michael Bay shoot-’em-up with Jason Statham as George Bailey.

“We figured that the old movie had been replaced as ‘The classic Christmas movie’ with Die Hard, and decided that combining the two might be the best way to bring in a new audience.  And who better to follow in Jimmy Stewart’s footsteps than Jason Statham?  I mean, they even have the same initials!”  

“In this version,” they continued, “Potter plots his revenge on Bedford Falls by building his own casino and turning the Bailey Savings and Loan into a parking lot.  Then somebody shoots him, and it becomes, ‘Who shot Potter?’ and all eyes obviously fall on George Bailey.”

When I explained to them that The Simpsons had already used these two ideas, once in the Mr. Burns/Casino episode, $pringfield, and once in the classic two-parter “Who Shot Mr. Burns?,” that did not seem to deter them.

“The best part is,” one of them explained, “Clarence the guardian angel comes back to help George, but instead of being an old man, he’s a talking monkey with the voice of Robin Williams!  I mean, people love monkeys, but they’ll love a monkey with an AK-47 and Robin’s voice!”  

When I asked what was wrong with the original, which still shows up frequently on lists of the greatest American films, they just scoffed.  “Those lists are all BS made by committee to push a couple of films the old people like.  I mean, in the age of Transformers, how in the world do people still consider Casablanca, some old movie no one’s ever heard of, the best script ever?  Puh-leeze.”

“The audience won’t sit still for any movie that’s in black-and-white, and doesn’t feature explosions, or CGI, or car chases, or any of that stuff.  I mean, look at how much money Thor 2 made, and then look at Nebraska!  Maybe if Alexander Payne had blown up something, he’d have made his money back.”

 

MEL GIBSON RELEASES STATEMENT OF SUPPORT FOR ALEC BALDWIN

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In a statement to the press today, Mel Gibson emerged from his cave to express his support for Alec Baldwin, lately in trouble for using gay slurs against a paparazzi.

“I for one support Mr. Baldwin’s right to use hurtful language,” he said.  “I use it all the time and take it as a point of pride that I do.  Even if Mr. Baldwin and I disagree on other things, we can unite in our support of this.”

Mr. Gibson continued: “I was saying things against gay people long before Mr. Baldwin made it mainstream.  I even had a scene in Braveheart where the king pushes his gay son out a window.  I’m sure that Mr. Baldwin would have done that had he had the chance.”

Mr. Gibson concluded by inviting Mr. Baldwin to come hang with him in his cave.

“I just got DSL in there!” he said.  “We can have a few brews, make jokes about Hugh Jackman, and watch some porn together!  Celebrities who bash minority groups need to stick together.”

HOMELAND WRITERS DEFEND DECISION TO JUMP THE SHARK

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Addressing the new subplot on Homeland of Agent Carrie Mathison’s pregnancy, revealed on last night’s episode, the show’s writing staff said, “We stand by our decision to jump the shark this season and we are proud of it.”

“Jumping the shark,” which refers to a late episode of Happy Days that revolved around Fonzie jumping over a shark on a waterski, is applied to TV series that are running out of ideas.

“We always meant for our show to be a one-season smash that slowly ran out of steam and evaporated into nonsense,” Homeland’s head writer said.  “Our intent was never to do what Breaking Bad did and be consistent all the way through.  We wanted to start strong and then go crazy with plots that make viewers go, ‘What were they thinking?'”

“It’s a tradition here at Showtime that we do this to our viewers,” said a representative at the network.  “Weeds and Dexter did it, and then we figured, all of our shows should jump the shark!  That way we can see how many viewers stick with the show afterwards.”

“It all goes back to Brecht,” he continued.  “He invented techniques to keep you from getting too involved in the story.  We are trying to apply his ideas to TV, and we think he’d be proud of the ways we’re alienating our fans.  That, and, who doesn’t love pregnancy subplots?  We can get the Brecht AND DeGrassi fans in here!”

Wonder Woman Movie Delayed Because “Girls Can’t Be Superheroes,” Says Studio Head

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When asked on Thursday why a Wonder Woman movie has been delayed for so long, the head of Warner Brothers simply said, “Look, girls can’t be superheroes.  There.  I said it.”

He continued: “Wonder Woman is an inaccurate representation of women because of a couple of major things:

“Firstly, she beats up men.  This is something women just can’t do in real life!  The only time I’ve ever heard of a woman threatening to beat someone up are if their kid gets threatened, or somebody cuts them on line at Magnolia Bakery.

“And secondly, a woman who defines herself as a person—without a man in her life?  Please!  That’s hardly the way women behave in this day and age!

Reporters kept pressing him on, saying that women and men alike have long been waiting for a Wonder Woman movie, but he insisted his point of view was correct.

“These traits keep women from being truly super,” he said.  “They can be subservient to a team, like Scarlet Johansson in The Avengers, but they can’t lead a team on their own!  I mean, what if Wonder Woman got her period in the middle of a huge fight?  It would cause chaos!”

When pressured to answer whom he would cast as Wonder Woman if the movie ever got made, he simply said, “Jared Leto.  Have you seen him in Dallas Buyers Club?  My God, he can play a woman!”

SCALIA SEES 12 YEARS A SLAVE, SAYS BLACKS “HAD IT EASIER THEN”

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Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has seen the new film 12 Years a Slave, and says, simply, “during this film, I was reminded of how much easier blacks had it back then.”

“They didn’t have to worry about taxes, or unemployment, since they always had a job.  And they didn’t have to worry about a slow-loading website for healthcare, since there was no internet at that time.

“And the way they shot the plantations were so beautiful, I mean, who wouldn’t want to live there?  Who wouldn’t want to live in crowded huts with ten other people at a time?  They probably partied so hard back then.

“I remember going to the premiere of Birth of a Nation and thinking, ‘Gee, it was really tough for blacks after they were freed and given voting rights.’  This movie proves just what a good, stabilizing thing slavery was for them.”

When asked about the much-praised work of star Chiwitel Ejiofor, Scalia said, “Chewie Eejy-weejy did pretty good, but I’m too old to learn how to pronounce his name properly.

“I didn’t learn how to pronounce Quie-Zhoo-Zhoo last year from Beasts of the Southern Wild, either.”

SHOWTIME DESPERATE TO STAY IN RELATIONSHIP WITH DAMIAN LEWIS

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Showtime and its hit series Homeland, can’t bring themselves to break up with Damian Lewis, even though most people believe they should end the relationship already. 

“We just love him so much that we have to keep him on the show, no matter what,” said a representative at the network.  “Even if we have to send him flowers and chocolates every day, he has to know we care.” 

Many fans of Homeland have turned against it this season, in large part due to Showtime’s unwillingness to let Lewis go, since many fans feel his storyline is growing stale. 

“They should have learned the Game of Thrones lesson, and pulled a red wedding on him,” says Homeland superfan Bobby Herr.  “You can continue a series without a major character and it’ll go just fine.” 

Apart from Brody himself, fans are annoyed by the subplots involving his family members, particularly his daughter.  “That girl can’t stop playing with her hands!” says fan Charlotte Emerson.  “It’s so annoying!  I wouldn’t be surprised if the camera caught her digging for nose gold next week!” 

Showtime has had this problem before, not breaking up with Dexter after season four, and now they’re having it again.  Seems that breaking up really is hard to do.