Guest Column: Tom Haverford’s Appreciation For Paul Walker

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Yo Ignorer!  Tom Haverford of the Pawnee, Indiana Parks Department here.  When Jeremy e-mailed me asking to write an appreciation for my main Tommy burger, Paul Walker, I was with my bud Jean-Ralphio trying our new and improved version of Snake Juice, SSSSSSSSSS (I don’t feel like typing more S’s, but you get the dealio).  Basically, we were both raging drunk, and I was like, “Dude, c’mon!  Paul Walker didn’t die in a car crash!  That was that other actor—the rebel guy James Franco played!”  But this morning, in-between throwing up, pounding down black coffee, and fending off death-stares from April, I realized that one of my worst fears had come true: Paul Walker had gone from the A-list to the Donezo list.  The real Donezo list.

Paul, my dawg, even though I never met you, you were a spirit animal to me.  I’ve tried to emulate your confidence, looks, and your sexy walk ever since I first saw you in Fast & Furious.  Or was it 2 Fast 2 Furious?  When did the first movie even come out, anyway?  Hell, which one was the first movie?  The titles are so similar that they all blur together.  I want to say it was the one with the cars that went fast…ah, forget it.  I love all the movies and watch them over and over.  And you were also great in Eight Below, where you got stuck in the snow with the huskies.  You showed courage, bravery, toughness—actually, now that I think of it, I’m gonna show that movie to Ron. 

Jean-Ralphio and I really wanted you to be involved with E720, our entertainment company we set up a few years back, and we even wrote a letter to your agent.  Unfortunately, it turned out that J-R has a restraining order keeping him from sending fan mail to celebrities in your ZIP code, so the letter bounced back with a form saying “Please do not contact us again.”  (Of course, he “forgot” to tell me this until after our company went bust.)  I’m upset we didn’t get to meet—I think we really would have hit it off, and you could have given me all sorts of advice on how to run the place.  If you and Detlef Schremp had been our celebrity clientele, we could’ve made way more money, lasted a lot longer…hell, I’m getting a little teared up thinking about all the stuff we could’ve done together! 

I don’t know what’s going on with your funeral, but if you open the mike up to the fans, I’d really appreciate the chance to shout out some love for you.  Jean-Ralphio’s already writing a rap song for you, which he asked me to quote here:

P to the A to the Wa-Wa-Walker

I’m his number one celebrity stalker fan.

(J-R’s not very good at rapping).

Anyways, it’s been real, dawg.  You live on in all our hearts.  Hope that in heaven, you’re allowed to drive as fast as you want.  And with that, this appreciation is DONEZO.  

– T.H. 

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Paul Walker: 1973-2013