In preparation for the release of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, director/writer Peter Jackson admitted he has no reason for making three films out of the 300-page children’s book other than money.
“I’m not interested in making quality movies here,” he said. “I’m only interested in robbing the pockets of moviegoers who have fond memories of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Kevin Smith said that trilogy was just about walking, so here are three movies that’ll show him I know how to make movies about walking better than anybody!”
Rather than talk to his producers or co-writers, I decided instead to see what his friend Gollum had to say about the arduous process of watching the Hobbit movies.
“We hates it!” he said. “We hates having to watch these boring movies! Especially the first movie, where we loses the ring to that little condom with hair!”
“No we don’ts!” Smeagol interjected. “We loves Peter and all the fame he’s brought us!”
“Peter deserves to be fed to Shelob!” Gollum said. “Nobody should only make pretty thingsies for the money! Nobody!”
When I brought up my conversation with Gollum to Peter Jackson, he was rolling on a bed of gold in a large cave. I tried to ask my questions to him, but he just turned into Smaug and started breathing fire.
“I WILL MAKE ALL THE MONEY!” he cried. “AND IT’S ALL BY MELTING YOUR LOVE INTO SHEER, AGONIZING BOREDOM!”