December 16, 2013

Family Guy and Homeland Swap Deaths

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Family Guy brought back deceased Brian Griffin, but only on the condition that Homeland finally kill off Sgt. Nicholas Brody, according to Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane.

“I’m a huge Homeland fan,” Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane says, “and this season was the biggest burn since the band Coldplay was formed.  So I went to Showtime and told them that if they finally got rid of Brody, I’d bring back Brian.

“They’re huge Family Guy fans over there,” he said.

While the public has lauded both moves, others are not as sure.  One skeptic is BrodyShipper89, a teenage girl who specializes in Homeland Fan Fiction and reportedly was a consultant on the show to make sure that Brody and Carrie hooked up. 

“Sure, we’re all happy to have Brian Griffin back,” she said.  “But what does this mean for the rest of us, for whom Homeland has given us hours of erotic fan fiction?” 

Fortunately, BrodyShipper89 is starting a new book-length fanfic about a love affair between Carrie and Saul.  Supposedly, the show runners are interested in making it the crux of season four—even though that last sentence sounds like a Family Guy cutaway joke.

December 13, 2013

Blue Ivy Hates Hearing Her Mom Sing

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In an unexpected turn of events today, Beyonce and Jay Z’s daughter Blue Ivy revealed that she can’t stand listening to her Mom sing.

“Whenever she starts singing, I yell, ‘Mommy, my ears are crying!’  She sings all the goddamn time.  When she sings to our dog—UGH!  If I have to hear ‘All the single Doggies’ again, I will move in with Baby North West.” 

Blue Ivy appears on her Mom’s new album, simply titled Beyonce.  In order to sing with her on the song “Blue,” Blue Ivy had to plug her ears with specially made earwax.  “They’re nearly invisible, and they seal up your ears 100%.  It’s perfect, like for when Rebecca Black comes on the radio.”  

When asked how she developed such a wide vocabulary so fast, Blue Ivy laughed and said, “Listening to great songs at a young age influences the way you speak.  Since I only listen to Frank Sinatra and Ella Fitzgerald, I have it all over the other babies who are gonna grow up to be cavemen because they only listen to hip-hop.”  

Just as she was about to say something else, her Mom’s album started playing.  Blue Ivy cried, but none of us listened because her Mom is so amazing.  

Then she fell asleep.

December 11, 2013

Miley Cyrus’s Tongue Named “Body Part of the Year” By Time Magazine

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Time Magazine declared Miley Cyrus’s Tongue “Body Part of 2013” today, a new honor given to a famous person’s body part that had the most impact this year.

“We at Time felt that Miley’s tongue was prominent in a way nobody else’s body part was,” says Time’s editor.  “You couldn’t avoid it–it was everywhere.  Not since that Pokemon Lickitung has one person been so identified with their tongue.”

Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year,” a coveted honor since its inception in 1927, went to Pope Francis today, and Miley was on the short list.  Could this new award be compensation for the snub?

“Absolutely,” says the editor. “We felt it was more important to award Francis, since he’s brought so much hope to people.  That, and, in 2006, when we named ‘You’ as Person of the Year and had a mylar mirror on the cover where readers could see themselves, technically, that meant Miley was Person of the Year–if she bought the magazine, that is.”

Runners-up for “Body Part of the Year” included Miley’s lips, Miley’s thighs, and Jennifer Lawrence’s pixie cut, who went on a bender today when it found out it hadn’t been chosen for the distinction.  For the story I wrote on it last month, here’s the link:

https://hollywoodignorer.wordpress.com/2013/11/07/jennifer-lawrences-pixie-cut-gives-twenty-somethings-more-to-hate-themselves-over/

December 9, 2013

Paramount Hires Brett Ratner to Direct Sequel Nobody Wants

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Paramount has announced its plans to make a fourth Beverly Hills Cop film with Brett Ratner as director, even though nobody wants another sequel to the beloved original.

“The original was a classic,” says Ratner, “so I’m really excited to ruin people’s memories of it by making a totally unnecessary sequel.”

When asked if Eddie Murphy would return to play Detective Axel Foley, Ratner laughed and said, “Of course he will!  Eddie needs to get away from his new habit of being in bad family movies and get back to what he’s great at—making shitty sequels to movies he was originally good in!” 

Paramount appears desperate to re-launch old franchises, a theory buoyed by the announcement this week that there will be more Indiana Jones movies. 

“The only way we can stay relevant in the 21st century is if we destroy things that people originally liked,” says a prominent executive at Paramount.  “If that means hiring Brett Ratner, a spectacularly lazy hack, to mount unnecessary sequels, then we have done our job.” 

Ratner then left our interview early to bang some supermodels with his friend Hugh Hefner, adding to his already douche-tastic aura. 

December 6, 2013

Nelson Mandela Purposely Died Before Sound of Music Live Aired, Says Widow

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Nelson Mandela, an icon for human rights worldwide, died yesterday, his widow explains, so that he didn’t have to live in a world with The Sound of Music Live. 

“Nelson loved Rodgers and Hammerstein,” she says, “and when he found out Carrie Underwood was going to be singing their music, he said to me, ‘That’s it.  I don’t want to live in this world anymore.’  The NBC logo came on last night, he said, ‘Goodbye,’ and died right there.”

According to her, in the last months of his life you couldn’t mention the word “Carrie” to him in any form.  

“The movie ‘Carrie’?  He’d let out a depressed sigh.  John Kerry?  Depressed sigh.  Even if I asked him to carry something, he would start ranting.  It made his last months very sad.”

After announcing his death yesterday, his widow released a statement that he dictated shortly before he passed:

I have cherished the ideal of free musical theatre in which all actors can be cast colorblind (LOVE Audra McDonald) and it can be done live on television.  It is an ideal I am willing to live for.  But, my lord, if they screw it up with American Idol singers, it’s an ideal for which I am willing to die.”

December 4, 2013

Peter Jackson Reveals He Has No Reason For Making Three Hobbit Films Other Than Money

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In preparation for the release of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, director/writer Peter Jackson admitted he has no reason for making three films out of the 300-page children’s book other than money.

“I’m not interested in making quality movies here,” he said.  “I’m only interested in robbing the pockets of moviegoers who have fond memories of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  Kevin Smith said that trilogy was just about walking, so here are three movies that’ll show him I know how to make movies about walking better than anybody!”

Rather than talk to his producers or co-writers, I decided instead to see what his friend Gollum had to say about the arduous process of watching the Hobbit movies.

“We hates it!” he said.  “We hates having to watch these boring movies!  Especially the first movie, where we loses the ring to that little condom with hair!”

“No we don’ts!” Smeagol interjected.  “We loves Peter and all the fame he’s brought us!”

“Peter deserves to be fed to Shelob!” Gollum said.  “Nobody should only make pretty thingsies for the money!  Nobody!”

When I brought up my conversation with Gollum to Peter Jackson, he was rolling on a bed of gold in a large cave.  I tried to ask my questions to him, but he just turned into Smaug and started breathing fire.

“I WILL MAKE ALL THE MONEY!” he cried.  “AND IT’S ALL BY MELTING YOUR LOVE INTO SHEER, AGONIZING BOREDOM!”

December 2, 2013

Guest Column: Tom Haverford’s Appreciation For Paul Walker

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Yo Ignorer!  Tom Haverford of the Pawnee, Indiana Parks Department here.  When Jeremy e-mailed me asking to write an appreciation for my main Tommy burger, Paul Walker, I was with my bud Jean-Ralphio trying our new and improved version of Snake Juice, SSSSSSSSSS (I don’t feel like typing more S’s, but you get the dealio).  Basically, we were both raging drunk, and I was like, “Dude, c’mon!  Paul Walker didn’t die in a car crash!  That was that other actor—the rebel guy James Franco played!”  But this morning, in-between throwing up, pounding down black coffee, and fending off death-stares from April, I realized that one of my worst fears had come true: Paul Walker had gone from the A-list to the Donezo list.  The real Donezo list.

Paul, my dawg, even though I never met you, you were a spirit animal to me.  I’ve tried to emulate your confidence, looks, and your sexy walk ever since I first saw you in Fast & Furious.  Or was it 2 Fast 2 Furious?  When did the first movie even come out, anyway?  Hell, which one was the first movie?  The titles are so similar that they all blur together.  I want to say it was the one with the cars that went fast…ah, forget it.  I love all the movies and watch them over and over.  And you were also great in Eight Below, where you got stuck in the snow with the huskies.  You showed courage, bravery, toughness—actually, now that I think of it, I’m gonna show that movie to Ron. 

Jean-Ralphio and I really wanted you to be involved with E720, our entertainment company we set up a few years back, and we even wrote a letter to your agent.  Unfortunately, it turned out that J-R has a restraining order keeping him from sending fan mail to celebrities in your ZIP code, so the letter bounced back with a form saying “Please do not contact us again.”  (Of course, he “forgot” to tell me this until after our company went bust.)  I’m upset we didn’t get to meet—I think we really would have hit it off, and you could have given me all sorts of advice on how to run the place.  If you and Detlef Schremp had been our celebrity clientele, we could’ve made way more money, lasted a lot longer…hell, I’m getting a little teared up thinking about all the stuff we could’ve done together! 

I don’t know what’s going on with your funeral, but if you open the mike up to the fans, I’d really appreciate the chance to shout out some love for you.  Jean-Ralphio’s already writing a rap song for you, which he asked me to quote here:

P to the A to the Wa-Wa-Walker

I’m his number one celebrity stalker fan.

(J-R’s not very good at rapping).

Anyways, it’s been real, dawg.  You live on in all our hearts.  Hope that in heaven, you’re allowed to drive as fast as you want.  And with that, this appreciation is DONEZO.  

– T.H. 

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Paul Walker: 1973-2013

November 24, 2013

If People Wrote About Pride and Prejudice The Way They Write About Girls

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The following is an actual article from two hundred years ago, written by a male critic about Jane Austen’s novel, Pride and Prejudice.

“I just finished reading this book, Pride and Prejudice, and really?  Girls are obsessing over this stuff?  This goes to show just how low so-called ‘entertainment for women’ has sunk.

“This Jane Austen woman thinks she’s being all ‘feminist’ and ‘edgy’ by being a writer and talking about what girls really think, but she’s made the mistake of writing Elizabeth Bennett, the most unlikable protagonist I’ve ever met.  Elizabeth starts the novel with an attitude of, ‘I’m never going to get married ever.’  All this girl wants in life is to just be sarcastic and witty and make her living off that.  Well, guess what, Elizabeth?  Women should get married and serve their husbands.  And wanting to make your living off being smart and observant?  No woman can do that!

“But that sister of hers, Jane—my god, she’s just as bad!  All she wants to do is fall in love with Charlie Bingley, and when they’re together, it’s all, ‘I love you!’ ‘I love you too!’  Charlie’s such a high-class snob, and a bore, and all Jane does is obsess over him.  If Jane Austen writes a sequel, then let’s hope that she breaks the two of them up, and soon.”

“Lydia Bennett—ugh, don’t get me started.  All she does is flirt with guys.  She’s just such a damn flirt, and she’s so obsessed with being headstrong and British.  Well let me tell you something, Lydia: having a sexy British accent doesn’t mean you’re actually sexy! When you flirt the way you do, you embarrass your whole family, and you don’t even care!  And then when she became the first of them to get married, I was like, ‘You’re going to ruin your life!’  But by then, I’d given up hoping these characters would do things sensibly.

“Let’s not even go near Catherine Bennett.  All the characters in the book refer to her as being ‘silly,’ and that’s what she is.  She’s so inexperienced compared to the rest of the sisters, and looks up to Lydia too much.  Who would want to look up to Lydia?  I know exactly the kind of girl Catherine is: she’s that girl you know who always wants to talk, and you stop paying attention to her halfway through, because she just doesn’t stop.

“I haven’t even gotten to the worst of them all, and it’s not even one of the girls, it’s Mr. Darcy!  How could a girl who’s supposed to be ‘finding herself’ the way Elizabeth is, fall in love with a guy who’s such a bag-o-douche?  He’s repeatedly described as being strong and handsome, and staying in his home all by himself for days on end.  Elizabeth and he do nothing but fight, and yet they’re actually attracted to each other?  What does it say about Elizabeth that she’d love such a creeper?  Let’s hope that Mr. Darcy has a hobby like woodcarving that he can throw himself into when he’s not with Elizabeth anymore, cause we know they’re going to break up.  You can’t fool us with that happy ending!

“It’s disgusting in this day and age that Jane Austen, who’s from a wealthy family, would just waste her time writing about the problems of wealthy white women.  And that’s the thing—they’re all white!  Has she ever even seen a person who’s not white?  This woman’s scope of the world is beyond limited—it’s practically microscopic.  Let’s hope that we move on to talking about writers who write docile, subservient women, and not these damned strumpets Ms. Austen is obsessed with.”

November 22, 2013

It’s a Wonderful Life Sequel To Feature CGI, Jason Statham, and Robin Williams as a Talking Monkey

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“I want a big one!  A big one!” says George Bailey, preferably indicating the size of the explosions in the sequel to It’s a Wonderful Life.

The writers of the controversial It’s a Wonderful Life sequel gave an interview today where they explained their reasons for turning their sequel to the classic Frank Capra film into a Michael Bay shoot-’em-up with Jason Statham as George Bailey.

“We figured that the old movie had been replaced as ‘The classic Christmas movie’ with Die Hard, and decided that combining the two might be the best way to bring in a new audience.  And who better to follow in Jimmy Stewart’s footsteps than Jason Statham?  I mean, they even have the same initials!”  

“In this version,” they continued, “Potter plots his revenge on Bedford Falls by building his own casino and turning the Bailey Savings and Loan into a parking lot.  Then somebody shoots him, and it becomes, ‘Who shot Potter?’ and all eyes obviously fall on George Bailey.”

When I explained to them that The Simpsons had already used these two ideas, once in the Mr. Burns/Casino episode, $pringfield, and once in the classic two-parter “Who Shot Mr. Burns?,” that did not seem to deter them.

“The best part is,” one of them explained, “Clarence the guardian angel comes back to help George, but instead of being an old man, he’s a talking monkey with the voice of Robin Williams!  I mean, people love monkeys, but they’ll love a monkey with an AK-47 and Robin’s voice!”  

When I asked what was wrong with the original, which still shows up frequently on lists of the greatest American films, they just scoffed.  “Those lists are all BS made by committee to push a couple of films the old people like.  I mean, in the age of Transformers, how in the world do people still consider Casablanca, some old movie no one’s ever heard of, the best script ever?  Puh-leeze.”

“The audience won’t sit still for any movie that’s in black-and-white, and doesn’t feature explosions, or CGI, or car chases, or any of that stuff.  I mean, look at how much money Thor 2 made, and then look at Nebraska!  Maybe if Alexander Payne had blown up something, he’d have made his money back.”

 

November 20, 2013

MEL GIBSON RELEASES STATEMENT OF SUPPORT FOR ALEC BALDWIN

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In a statement to the press today, Mel Gibson emerged from his cave to express his support for Alec Baldwin, lately in trouble for using gay slurs against a paparazzi.

“I for one support Mr. Baldwin’s right to use hurtful language,” he said.  “I use it all the time and take it as a point of pride that I do.  Even if Mr. Baldwin and I disagree on other things, we can unite in our support of this.”

Mr. Gibson continued: “I was saying things against gay people long before Mr. Baldwin made it mainstream.  I even had a scene in Braveheart where the king pushes his gay son out a window.  I’m sure that Mr. Baldwin would have done that had he had the chance.”

Mr. Gibson concluded by inviting Mr. Baldwin to come hang with him in his cave.

“I just got DSL in there!” he said.  “We can have a few brews, make jokes about Hugh Jackman, and watch some porn together!  Celebrities who bash minority groups need to stick together.”